I Woke Up Like This
Beyonce is a lying hussy.
When you live with your lover, it’s impossible to pretend that you woke up looking like a radiant goddess.
I generally arise looking like a grumpy, nearsighted Asian man with a bird’s nest on his head.
When Robert emerges from the shower, his mustache droops over his mouth, and makes him look like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean.
Living with your significant other means falling in love with the creature you wake up with in the morning, not just the babe you go to bed with at night.
Despite the fact that Robert thinks I’m beautiful even when I’m sick, with kleenex shoved up my nose (Well, at least he says he does,) one of the ways I express my love for him, is by trying not to look like I live in under a bridge.
Unfortunately, Robert isn’t the only one in this relationship who has a mustache.
Deny as they might, most girls sport at least soft, peach fuzz, that they hide from the world using any manner of plucking, waxing or bleaching.
Between arm hair, leg hair, chin hair, unibrows, and even toe hair, girls are not naturally as smooth as Barbie dolls would have us believe.
In order to become #flawless, I take advantage of when Robert is mowing the lawn or working overtime, and attend to my miscellaneous hairs, use a face mask, or battle any particularly persistent acne.
Much like bathroom etiquette, discretion is key.
You don’t have to be secretive, but you also don’t need to yell, “Hey, babe, I’m just going to go pluck that one weird chin hair that keeps growing back!”
Simply sequester yourself in the bathroom, and attend to your personal maintenance.
Wax On, Wax Off
The same basic rules apply to the fellows in the house.
Show your lady you care by keeping your personal grooming standards somewhat consistent. If she starts out dating a Schick Quattro model, don’t abruptly morph into a wooly mammoth.
Just remember, if you participate in “No Shave November,” so will we.
Now, if you’re thinking, “But what about Robert’s mustache?” then let me assure you, it was not cultivated out of laziness.
He takes great pride in coiffing his mustache, and spends about 15 minutes each morning, painstakingly waxing his handlebars into two perfectly symmetrical curls.
I’m shocked he hasn’t broken out the protractor and level yet.
But remember, whether you are manicured lumberjack like Robert, an unkempt caveman, or a clean-shaven dandy, no one wants to find the remnants of your facial (or other) topiary in the bathroom sink.
If you buzz off your fuzz, please be wary, wipe your hair-y!
In the end, it’s important to know someone thinks you’re beautiful, even at the buttcrack of dawn, with your glasses on and morning breath, but that doesn’t mean we need to stop trying to impress them.
Every once in a while, throw on some mascara, comb your hair, and make them look twice, because dayummmmm, you look good.